Keeping In Touch...

So I was flipping through my mail the other day, when I came upon a brightly colored envelope from a Susan Miller in Des Moines, Iowa. I searched my mind to try and figure out who the heck Susan Miller was and why she'd be sending me a card. My extended family is very small, so I knew there was no long lost cousin out in Iowa somewhere that had named me as sole heir to their dilapidated shack and overgrown vegetable garden. And once I'd established that if I were, in fact, the target of an anthrax terrorist attack, chances were pretty good that there wouldn't be a return address on the envelope; I opened it.

Once I did, however, a little piece of my heart shriveled up and died. I fell to my knees, clutched the card to my chest and let out a painful, gut wrenching wail.

It was just so sad.

I mean... look!


Why do I not remember Susan?! And had my very presence in her life made it better for living? Was I the sunshine to her flower? Without my light force, was she cast into darkness? Left to wither on the vine? Am I so careless in my relationships that I don't even remember our paths crossing? Clearly, I'm a horrible, selfish person! I'm not worthy of her friendship if I can move on with my life, with nary a thought to the past; never to wonder what's become of her. Never to wonder if she's looking up at the same sky, wishing on the same star...

Susan Miller
Proactiv Customer Service

What the hell?!

Turns out this Susan chick misses me (and my money) something fierce. Susan wishes I'd break out in festering, oozing boils to the point that I'd have no choice but to renew my monthly subscription for Proactiv's Clear Skin System. How thoughtful. How sweet. She misses me.

Now I'm not knockin' Proactiv. Proactiv is a wonderful product. And it's a product that actually works! There was a time, just this past year as a matter of fact, that I needed it. My complexion was out of control! It got so bad at one point, I was starting to look like Sloth from the friggin' Goonies! Ruth! Ruth! Baby! Ruth! But Proactiv worked. For once, a product actually performed as promised.

Okay, so yes, maybe I should have sent the folks at Proactiv a "Thank You" card. A simple gesture stating how much I appreciated their product and the timely manner in which they withdrew the funds from my account every month. They were always so good at that. So in an effort to make amends, and in the hopes that I never have to see those little weeping fox/puppy/bear eyes again, I sent Susan a "Thinking Of You" card.

In the card, I enclosed photos of my children, Ruby and Lance (the two pimples that pop up on my chin every 28 days) along with a few funny anecdotes about them - like how they love to ruin my photos and and how they like to glow bright red in order to draw attention to themselves. I figure that'll keep Susan happy until the holidays. At which time she'll receive a Christmas card and a portrait of me and the children in front of the tree. Me in a Santa hat, the kids glowing bright red...