my favorite time of the year

I absolutely love Autumn in Ohio. Without a doubt, it's my favorite season. I love the cooler weather, the changing colors of the landscape, the festivals, the spicy aromas, the holidays and the fashions!


But unfortunately, I'm not in Ohio. I'm here. Festering in Florida. Sweltering in the south. Oppressed. And ornery.

For a few brief days last week, our temperatures dropped into the mid-80's! The local news was calling it a cold front. Supermarkets and convenience stores started stocking firewood and Swiss Miss Cocoa mix sold out in record time.

I was tooling around in the back yard when I paused for a moment to wring the perspiration from my shirt, wipe the sweat from my forehead and pour a cooler of Gatorade over my head. And even though she listens to her TV at 'eardrum hemorrhage' level, and can't seem to hear when her two poodles are yapping outside at 5AM, my neighbor somehow heard me take a breather and felt I desired nothing more than her companionship. So she suited up in a poncho, slipper boots and a sheepskin trapper hat and shuffled over to the fence line. She then chattered on... and on... and on... about how chilly it was and that I'd surely catch my death if I didn't bundle up more.

I'm desperately trying to fill the void within the pit of my stomach that is homesick for Ohio. So I've put up some seasonal decorations, lit a Harvest Spice candle, cranked the AC to a 'brisk fall temperature', pulled on some cozy jammies and settled in with a few catalogs. Catalogs full of awesome fall fashions. Fall fashions that mock me. Taunt me. Fall fashions that I'll never wear. Boots in Florida? Get real. Plaid wool skirts? Puh-leeeze. Tights? I wish! Would you look at this:


If I were anywhere else but here, my Autumn adoring ass would be wearing it. I love it! It's so me! But for starters, my place of employment is very casual. I'm overdressed if I wear flip flops with sparkles or a tee shirt without a beer advertisement on the pocket. Secondly, if I were to show up in red tights, no matter how freakin' adorable those tights may be, my co-workers would assume I had a serious skin condition and they'd keep their distance.

Hey...

Maybe I should order those tights.

Adorable red tights and a houndstooth skirt do nothing to fill the empty void, but Spiced Pumpkin Cupcakes sure do!

Hello lover...


And I'll bet there's also room in the void for some of those Halloween Reese's cups I've been hoarding. You don't truly believe I'm going to hand them out to Trick-or-Treaters, do you? That's just krazy talk! If I'm lucky enough to have an entire bag of chocolate in the house, I'll be darned if I'm giving it away to some moppet schlepping a plastic pumpkin door-to-door. This bag's all mine!

I really do enjoy Halloween. As a matter of fact, it's one of my favorite holidays. I look forward to it all year long. October 31st is the only day out of the entire year that it's OK for me to scare children and make them cry.

Getting a Florida Trick-or-Treater to cry is easy. What I mean is - before they've ever thought of ringing my doorbell, they've trekked through darkened streets; the only available light source being that of bug zappers. They've heard dogs howling, an occasional gun shot and, in the distance, Dueling Banjos. The Spanish moss, which hangs in the trees, appears ghostly beneath the eerie glow of the moon. There are flying cockroaches so huge that they're mistaken for bats. The kids themselves are suffering from dehydration and heat exhaustion because they're cloaked in non-breathable plastic super hero costumes. By the time they ring my doorbell, they're nothing more than a tiny little package of Hysteria with a 'TO: RETRO' card attached.

Ohio kids are way tougher to break!

~sigh~

I love Autumn. It truly is my favorite time of the year. Even if I do have to spend it down here.